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Old 08-08-2017, 11:21 AM
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Talking Jokes thread

Misunderstanding?
That fine man, Nelson Mandela, finally retired to a little cottage on the Veld. He wanted no more to do with politics, just to be left to live out his days in peace. He'd not settled in long when a great articulated truck drove up and deposited a huge pille of new car parts in his garden. Now Nelson was used to getting all sorts of odd presents but this was a new one and the truck was gone by the time he made it outside. A few days later the exact same thing happened - a pile of new engines and spares - puzzling and rather annoying.
Well Nelson was waiting when the third truck turned up. "What are you up to?" he enquires. Driver says; "You Nelson Mandela?"
"Sure!" replies Nelson "Well, it says on my chit;" says the driver;"that I have to deliver these car parts to you!
"Let me see that!" says Nelson! "You idiot! It says......."Deliver to Nissan Main Dealer!"

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Old 08-08-2017, 12:37 PM
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A farmer named Bob was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bob looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bob.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bob says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Bob.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Bob. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.
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Old 14-01-2019, 10:30 PM
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Default Man starts work at a store that sells practically anything...

Man starts work at a store that sells practically anything...

... and the manager tells him that at the end of his first day he'll come down and see how he got on. The guys first day ends and the manager does indeed come down and proceeds to ask the man how many sales he made.

"Only one".

The manager's furious. You only made one sale? The rest of my staff make many more than that. Well, how much was it for?

The guy replies "499,565".

The manager is shocked. You mean you made all that from one sale? What on earth did you sell?

The guy then proceeds to explain how a gentleman came in to buy a small fishing hook so he sold him one. Then he sold him a medium one then a large one. He then asked him where he was fishing and he replied down at the lake so he took him to the boats and sold him a small rowing boat. The chap then exclaimed that he didn't think his car was big enough to tow the boat so he sold him a 4x4 as well.

The manager is stunned. You mean to tell me he came in to buy a small fishing hook and you sold him a boat and a car?

"No" the man replies. "He came in to buy tampons for his wife so I said your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing"!
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Old 14-01-2019, 10:31 PM
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