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  #61  
Old 16-04-2019, 05:23 PM
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Bessie

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was sueing the lorry company,
In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

Solicitor

'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' .

Seamus

'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had justloaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'

Solicitor

'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus

'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road....'


The solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said, 'How badly are you hurt?'

'Now what would you have said'?
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  #62  
Old 16-04-2019, 10:53 PM
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another good one holly.

carlys_guy
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  #63  
Old 17-04-2019, 09:24 AM
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Think I would have said the same

How about this one

" Morning Sex "

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
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  #64  
Old 18-04-2019, 02:40 AM
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good one timbo.

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  #65  
Old Yesterday, 07:17 PM
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Shipwrecked

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a
sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that
they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular
evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze
was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance..

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it..

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the
man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them
continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The
only survivor was Ann Widdecombe. That evening, the man brought Ann to the
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus
clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty
soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned
over to Ann and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Ann batted her
eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'could you take the dog for a walk?'
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  #66  
Old Yesterday, 08:00 PM
Tina Titswobble Tina Titswobble is offline
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this thread get's worse
keep em' cumming

love Tina xxx
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  #67  
Old Today, 08:48 AM
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Ok no more Easter jokes Holly

Well Maybe just one more

A catholic girl goes to confession and says "father I'm pregnant" how did that happen my child? says the priest.

Think it was the second comeing father she replied shocked at her answer the priest asks why do you think it was the second comeing? "well I swallowed the first says the girl


So after that one would you like one more Easter joke?
Well ok then just one more

Morals

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got
broken.

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen
eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher. Michael, do you have a story to share?" asked the teacher.

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Lou. Auntie Lou was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got
hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on
the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine
gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her
bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Auntie Lou when she's been drinking"



Want one more Easter joke tomorrow?
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  #68  
Old Today, 08:51 AM
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