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Old 08-08-2017, 11:21 AM
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Talking Jokes thread

Misunderstanding?
That fine man, Nelson Mandela, finally retired to a little cottage on the Veld. He wanted no more to do with politics, just to be left to live out his days in peace. He'd not settled in long when a great articulated truck drove up and deposited a huge pille of new car parts in his garden. Now Nelson was used to getting all sorts of odd presents but this was a new one and the truck was gone by the time he made it outside. A few days later the exact same thing happened - a pile of new engines and spares - puzzling and rather annoying.
Well Nelson was waiting when the third truck turned up. "What are you up to?" he enquires. Driver says; "You Nelson Mandela?"
"Sure!" replies Nelson "Well, it says on my chit;" says the driver;"that I have to deliver these car parts to you!
"Let me see that!" says Nelson! "You idiot! It says......."Deliver to Nissan Main Dealer!"

Add your Joke here .
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Old 08-08-2017, 12:37 PM
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A farmer named Bob was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bob looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bob.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bob says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Bob.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Bob. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.
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Old 14-01-2019, 10:30 PM
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Default Man starts work at a store that sells practically anything...

Man starts work at a store that sells practically anything...

... and the manager tells him that at the end of his first day he'll come down and see how he got on. The guys first day ends and the manager does indeed come down and proceeds to ask the man how many sales he made.

"Only one".

The manager's furious. You only made one sale? The rest of my staff make many more than that. Well, how much was it for?

The guy replies "£499,565".

The manager is shocked. You mean you made all that from one sale? What on earth did you sell?

The guy then proceeds to explain how a gentleman came in to buy a small fishing hook so he sold him one. Then he sold him a medium one then a large one. He then asked him where he was fishing and he replied down at the lake so he took him to the boats and sold him a small rowing boat. The chap then exclaimed that he didn't think his car was big enough to tow the boat so he sold him a 4x4 as well.

The manager is stunned. You mean to tell me he came in to buy a small fishing hook and you sold him a boat and a car?

"No" the man replies. "He came in to buy tampons for his wife so I said your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing"!
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Old 20-01-2019, 10:41 PM
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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 at the finest surgeon, and looks truly sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
......

‘I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds'
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Old 24-01-2019, 09:45 PM
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Husband and wife are taking a shower when the doorbell rings
"I'll go says the wife" She wraps a towell around her and goes downstairs to open the door. Its Bob the next door neighbour.
He looks at her and says "I'll give you 500quid if you drop that towell"
"500quid eh" she says "allright" and drops the towell to the floor
Bob smiles and hands over the money
She goes back upstairs and her husband says "who was that"?
"It was only Bob "she says
"oh" says her husband "Did he say anything about the 500quid he owes me"?
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Old 24-01-2019, 10:01 PM
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What's the difference between an hedgehog and Range Rovers


The hedgehog has the pricks on the outside

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Old 24-01-2019, 10:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Holly Goodhead View Post
What's the difference between an hedgehog and Range Rovers


The hedgehog has the pricks on the outside

Like it!!!!
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Old 25-01-2019, 08:15 PM
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the hedgehog one is pretty true around here.

carlys_guy
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Old 25-01-2019, 08:23 PM
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Oh so you have them too do you
Holly
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Old 29-01-2019, 09:12 PM
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Scottish farmer

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.

The Department of Employment & Pensions claimed he was not paying proper
wages to his staff and sent an representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded
the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's
been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The
cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus
free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours
every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board and has a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with the wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
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